Anxiety.....

Things have changed since the last time that I have posted. I got a new job in HR which is what I went to school for, I went to Hawaii for the first time with my boyfriend Eric who planned it as a complete surprise for me, I completed one of the biggest accomplishments of my life other than graduating college which is I ran and finished the Tough Mudder and I am signed up to do it again, and I paid off my student loans last week which is really good. 

However some other changes have recently come into my life that have made me realize that some changes need to take place in my life. After doing some research and reflections in my life I have come to the realizations that I may suffer from anxiety. I am also very anal but I don't believe that I have OCD, I just like certain things to be just so. For instance we set up the tree today and while everyone was putting the ornaments on the tree I went back and started rearranging them so that the tree would look symmetrical. But anyways things that have happened to me in the past like my unexplained chest pains I can now see may be connected to the anxiety. Sometimes it feels like my chest is being stabbed repeatedly but I know at my age that I am not having a heart attack. I get really sweaty and dehydrated and feel really nervous. I begin to pace and get antsy and I become less productive because I am too busy worrying about the things that are making me anxious. But this is all me self-diagnosing myself, which I also know can be dangerous. I don't want to go to the doctor because I guess I don't really want it to be true. I know it runs in my family, both my aunts have it, my cousin has it, my dad has it, and even though it has never been confirmed I believe my mom has it too. Having both parents have it probably doesn't help the situation. I know that my mom complains about my dad a lot...he has been sick for awhile , his anger problems are often taken out on my mom and then my mom, who has no one else to talk to, talks to me about it which is often unfair but I also understand where she is coming from. Everyone needs someone to vent to but sometimes it does bother me. I wish it was easier, like my life could just float by and I can be happy all the time. I want to make one thing clear I do love my life and I do know that I have a lot of things to be grateful for, I just sometimes feel like the whole world is against me. Like days when you think even the stoplights are out to make your day just miserable out of pure enjoyment. 

I get these feelings a lot of the time at work and when it comes to my friends. At work I think that the anxiety is worse because I want so desperately to do a good job and show that I can do things. This is the first time/job that I have really had to put forth a lot of effort and it takes everything that I have. When I screw up I feel like I can't do anything right and that I am not cut out for this job. It may not help that I work with two perfectionists....anyways I feel like every mistake that I make is just another tick against me and my bosses will use it as reason to fire me or let me go. That is when I get super anxious. I can feel my chest starting to constrict and I start to get antsy. My friends/social life have always been a cause for anxiety. This I have always known. I ave always been an anxious host and am constantly worried the whole time whether or not everyone is having a good time because I have these "ideas" that people will think that I am lame and will not want to hang out with me anymore. I know it is ridiculous and I am super envious of those people who don't care a whole lot about what other people think and who do what they want to do without any worry about repercussions. I try so hard to be that person but every time I try someone or something will trigger me back to where I was before. For instance when someone asks me to do things and I don't feel like doing it, I usually end going along with whatever they want to do because I either feel bad that I am not hanging out with them and doing what they want to do or because they know how to work an angle and make me feel bad about not doing what they want to do. I know that I have a problem trying to please people and overall I am too nice of a person. I need to learn to be more mean and have more of a backbone but I am too afraid of losing people in my life. 

I wish I knew what to do to make myself feel better. I am not one to throw a bunch of money into medications and therapy because I know that they could work but I it is also a lot of money that I don't want to spend. It is also a little embarrassing at the moment to admit that I might have this. Right now my brain is telling me that I am just being ridiculous and that I am being weak. Because I am a tough person normally and I don't like to show weakness. But deep down in my heart I know that this is probably what it is, I feel more peaceful when I say it to myself because then at least I have a slight direction on how to fix it. It is just hard to admit it out loud to people especially my boyfriend and my family because they will either think that I am being ridiculous or they will think that I am strange and fragile and I don't want anyone to think that about me....At the moment even after getting all of it out in writing....I just feel a little scared.