Maybe it's that I don't really know what I want to do anymore. Maybe my interests have changed. I mean I know where I want to be (maybe) but I don't know how to get there. I want to help people that's why I went to school for HR but I ever since I graduated I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere close to that. What if I get stuck at this crappy job being the office bitch for the next 40 some years? What if I missed my chance of getting to where I want to because I got impatient at the credit union? What if this is all there is and you are supposed to feel like this about work? I mean are you supposed to feel like this???? Are you supposed to feel like your insides are trying to crawl their way out and you just want to puke to make yourself feel better? Are you supposed to feel so anxious on your way to work that you contemplate turning around and going home at every freeway exit? I don't think it'supposed to be that way but how do I change it without taking a big financial risk? Does anyone ever really figure it out?
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
What the hell???
I just keep on falling down and I don't know what to do to fix it. Work just keeps getting worse and it makes me concerned. Every Sunday and more recently every week night I just get super anxious and depressed that I have to go to work in the morning. I shouldn't feel like that I am only 23 years old after all and I shouldn't dread going to work or cry my fucking eyes out when I get home from work or when I go to bed because of it. It takes all the strength I have to even get out of bed in the morning. I haven't eaten anything but a half a piece of toast and a couple cookies since Sunday night....and even now as I write this I still am not hungry. It is becoming one screw up after another at work and I don't know what to do to fix it because every time I try to stand back up I just fall down the slippery slope again and something else makes me super subconscious. Work is the one thing that I am confident about. I know that I am a good worker, sure sometimes I miss little details but I get my work done on time and I don't stop working until it is finished. My boss even told me the other day, "you work too hard to be feeling this low". Now that I took this job I feel like my work ethic that I have been so proud of is something that can be laughed at. I mean honestly I feel like I have lost my mind like my whole world has been turned upside down. If I am not good at doing work than what? I mean you spend over half of your life working and if it's something I am not good at what am I going to do?
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Anxiety.....
Things have changed since the last time that I have posted. I got a new job in HR which is what I went to school for, I went to Hawaii for the first time with my boyfriend Eric who planned it as a complete surprise for me, I completed one of the biggest accomplishments of my life other than graduating college which is I ran and finished the Tough Mudder and I am signed up to do it again, and I paid off my student loans last week which is really good.
However some other changes have recently come into my life that have made me realize that some changes need to take place in my life. After doing some research and reflections in my life I have come to the realizations that I may suffer from anxiety. I am also very anal but I don't believe that I have OCD, I just like certain things to be just so. For instance we set up the tree today and while everyone was putting the ornaments on the tree I went back and started rearranging them so that the tree would look symmetrical. But anyways things that have happened to me in the past like my unexplained chest pains I can now see may be connected to the anxiety. Sometimes it feels like my chest is being stabbed repeatedly but I know at my age that I am not having a heart attack. I get really sweaty and dehydrated and feel really nervous. I begin to pace and get antsy and I become less productive because I am too busy worrying about the things that are making me anxious. But this is all me self-diagnosing myself, which I also know can be dangerous. I don't want to go to the doctor because I guess I don't really want it to be true. I know it runs in my family, both my aunts have it, my cousin has it, my dad has it, and even though it has never been confirmed I believe my mom has it too. Having both parents have it probably doesn't help the situation. I know that my mom complains about my dad a lot...he has been sick for awhile , his anger problems are often taken out on my mom and then my mom, who has no one else to talk to, talks to me about it which is often unfair but I also understand where she is coming from. Everyone needs someone to vent to but sometimes it does bother me. I wish it was easier, like my life could just float by and I can be happy all the time. I want to make one thing clear I do love my life and I do know that I have a lot of things to be grateful for, I just sometimes feel like the whole world is against me. Like days when you think even the stoplights are out to make your day just miserable out of pure enjoyment.
I get these feelings a lot of the time at work and when it comes to my friends. At work I think that the anxiety is worse because I want so desperately to do a good job and show that I can do things. This is the first time/job that I have really had to put forth a lot of effort and it takes everything that I have. When I screw up I feel like I can't do anything right and that I am not cut out for this job. It may not help that I work with two perfectionists....anyways I feel like every mistake that I make is just another tick against me and my bosses will use it as reason to fire me or let me go. That is when I get super anxious. I can feel my chest starting to constrict and I start to get antsy. My friends/social life have always been a cause for anxiety. This I have always known. I ave always been an anxious host and am constantly worried the whole time whether or not everyone is having a good time because I have these "ideas" that people will think that I am lame and will not want to hang out with me anymore. I know it is ridiculous and I am super envious of those people who don't care a whole lot about what other people think and who do what they want to do without any worry about repercussions. I try so hard to be that person but every time I try someone or something will trigger me back to where I was before. For instance when someone asks me to do things and I don't feel like doing it, I usually end going along with whatever they want to do because I either feel bad that I am not hanging out with them and doing what they want to do or because they know how to work an angle and make me feel bad about not doing what they want to do. I know that I have a problem trying to please people and overall I am too nice of a person. I need to learn to be more mean and have more of a backbone but I am too afraid of losing people in my life.
I wish I knew what to do to make myself feel better. I am not one to throw a bunch of money into medications and therapy because I know that they could work but I it is also a lot of money that I don't want to spend. It is also a little embarrassing at the moment to admit that I might have this. Right now my brain is telling me that I am just being ridiculous and that I am being weak. Because I am a tough person normally and I don't like to show weakness. But deep down in my heart I know that this is probably what it is, I feel more peaceful when I say it to myself because then at least I have a slight direction on how to fix it. It is just hard to admit it out loud to people especially my boyfriend and my family because they will either think that I am being ridiculous or they will think that I am strange and fragile and I don't want anyone to think that about me....At the moment even after getting all of it out in writing....I just feel a little scared.
However some other changes have recently come into my life that have made me realize that some changes need to take place in my life. After doing some research and reflections in my life I have come to the realizations that I may suffer from anxiety. I am also very anal but I don't believe that I have OCD, I just like certain things to be just so. For instance we set up the tree today and while everyone was putting the ornaments on the tree I went back and started rearranging them so that the tree would look symmetrical. But anyways things that have happened to me in the past like my unexplained chest pains I can now see may be connected to the anxiety. Sometimes it feels like my chest is being stabbed repeatedly but I know at my age that I am not having a heart attack. I get really sweaty and dehydrated and feel really nervous. I begin to pace and get antsy and I become less productive because I am too busy worrying about the things that are making me anxious. But this is all me self-diagnosing myself, which I also know can be dangerous. I don't want to go to the doctor because I guess I don't really want it to be true. I know it runs in my family, both my aunts have it, my cousin has it, my dad has it, and even though it has never been confirmed I believe my mom has it too. Having both parents have it probably doesn't help the situation. I know that my mom complains about my dad a lot...he has been sick for awhile , his anger problems are often taken out on my mom and then my mom, who has no one else to talk to, talks to me about it which is often unfair but I also understand where she is coming from. Everyone needs someone to vent to but sometimes it does bother me. I wish it was easier, like my life could just float by and I can be happy all the time. I want to make one thing clear I do love my life and I do know that I have a lot of things to be grateful for, I just sometimes feel like the whole world is against me. Like days when you think even the stoplights are out to make your day just miserable out of pure enjoyment.
I get these feelings a lot of the time at work and when it comes to my friends. At work I think that the anxiety is worse because I want so desperately to do a good job and show that I can do things. This is the first time/job that I have really had to put forth a lot of effort and it takes everything that I have. When I screw up I feel like I can't do anything right and that I am not cut out for this job. It may not help that I work with two perfectionists....anyways I feel like every mistake that I make is just another tick against me and my bosses will use it as reason to fire me or let me go. That is when I get super anxious. I can feel my chest starting to constrict and I start to get antsy. My friends/social life have always been a cause for anxiety. This I have always known. I ave always been an anxious host and am constantly worried the whole time whether or not everyone is having a good time because I have these "ideas" that people will think that I am lame and will not want to hang out with me anymore. I know it is ridiculous and I am super envious of those people who don't care a whole lot about what other people think and who do what they want to do without any worry about repercussions. I try so hard to be that person but every time I try someone or something will trigger me back to where I was before. For instance when someone asks me to do things and I don't feel like doing it, I usually end going along with whatever they want to do because I either feel bad that I am not hanging out with them and doing what they want to do or because they know how to work an angle and make me feel bad about not doing what they want to do. I know that I have a problem trying to please people and overall I am too nice of a person. I need to learn to be more mean and have more of a backbone but I am too afraid of losing people in my life.
I wish I knew what to do to make myself feel better. I am not one to throw a bunch of money into medications and therapy because I know that they could work but I it is also a lot of money that I don't want to spend. It is also a little embarrassing at the moment to admit that I might have this. Right now my brain is telling me that I am just being ridiculous and that I am being weak. Because I am a tough person normally and I don't like to show weakness. But deep down in my heart I know that this is probably what it is, I feel more peaceful when I say it to myself because then at least I have a slight direction on how to fix it. It is just hard to admit it out loud to people especially my boyfriend and my family because they will either think that I am being ridiculous or they will think that I am strange and fragile and I don't want anyone to think that about me....At the moment even after getting all of it out in writing....I just feel a little scared.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Ok...Here We Go
Alright, so I have never done this before so I am not really sure where I am going to go from here but I will probably just wing it and see what happens. I might find my own niche or I might just stay really random. That's kind of how I am. I do know one thing for sure....I will not keep up with this as well as I should. I have attention issues so sticking with one thing is rough for me especially since summer is coming and I will be all over the place even more than I am now. I am a lot like my Grandma in that way. I can not sit in once place for very long or I go crazy! I'm sure I am not the only one who is like that but I feel like in my age group there are not many like me. I am this way in my work as well. I am constantly trying to find something else to do and I am trying to get it done as quickly and efficiently as possible. I kind of make a game out of it to bring a little competition with myself. That probably is a good thing for my company but not a good thing for my sanity. Hopefully I will stick with this and we will see where it takes me. Until next time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)